There are times I feel unfulfilled, drifting almost. What am I still doing sitting behind a desk at 27? I got that degree, is this what it amounts to? I can hear their condescension, the irony: being patronised by fools.
With a dithering respect for those who can’t pay, we live in a world where “freedom” is bought. Our success, defined by a hierarchal prism; means inequality for all. Want respect? Go in to your place of work and learn the cleaners names, it’s a two-way street, after all.
I should be grateful, right? I’m on a wage that’ll grant me a mortgage within two years; a stress free job means I can focus on writing. I’m comfortable; stable and yet, I have nothing figured out. Thoughts niggle at me to achieve more, be more; one goal met and it’s on to the next…
Am I striving for myself, or the approval of others? Am I fixated on proving a point just to gain their validation? But how do I feel about myself?
I’m hearing so much about death and illness that all I can think about is death and illness. Scared I may die before achieving anything, I fear the absence of my loved ones. I try to consider an existence without my mother and I swear, it is the loneliest thought conceivable. In my head, I’ve attended nearly all of their funerals. I’ve said my goodbyes and witnessed caskets being lowered into the ground. Suddenly I’m awake, crying on the train; the man opposite stares awkwardly at my pain, reluctant to offer a Kleenex.
I. Am. Struggling.
Is something wrong with me? I built castles around a guy to whom I was invisible. If I had known he wasn’t interested I would have spared myself the embarrassment but instead, I lead myself into a realm of fantasy. Built up with every frivolous interaction, I transferred my romantic illusions onto an empty vessel: let’s make something out of nothing.
“We’re made for each other”, I thought, seeing myself in him because I knew him not at all.
You do realise no-one’s got it completely figured out, right? Plus, how many people set themselves homework and meet their own deadlines? The first piece of work you ever shared was then published yet you’re full of self-doubt, why? Nobody is forcing you to do this – you do it for yourself. You make time for what you enjoy which means you’re not wasting time at all.
As for worrying what people think of you, have you met a person who isn’t self-conscious? You’re not going to be liked by everyone and you’re not going to like everyone, either. Fuck ’em.
When you peak success (whatever success looks like to you) remember everyone who uplifted you along the way. Treat every human being the same, irrespective of their job title. Look, if you really want to make your parents proud, be kind. You’re not cut from a cloth intended to besmear.
I promise you are fine.
You worry so much about death and illness because you love being alive; the thought of goodbyes, terrifies you. That’s understandable. With so much love around, all you can do is be thankful for each waking day. You know the old cliché: unless something happens, what’s the use in worrying? We’ve all got a shelf life, so cherish who and what you have…today.
Rather than preparing yourself for the worst, visualise the best; find comfort in it. Do whatever you need to keep yourself fit and healthy; everything which can’t be controlled needn’t be thought of.
You’ve got this, you know this.
Don’t hold on to feelings of resentment just because he weren’t “the one”. You liked him from a place of innocence which was sweet, albeit naive. Next time be more private, don’t share anything with anyone, it will only make things messy.
As far as not feeling good enough – whaaat!! You have everything to offer and more. You judged someone based off heights they couldn’t reach so yeah, next!
I promise you this: I won’t let you settle for anyone other than the best. A person worthy of your time won’t waste it and when a man really likes you, he’ll let you know. This is your future self calling and all I can say is….you nabbed a fine looking man, on the inside too!
Let it go Chels, before you know it you’ll find your hands full.
Your Self x