There are times I feel unfulfilled, drifting almost. What am I still doing sitting behind a desk, aged 27? I worked for that degree – is this what it amounts to? I feel condescension from others; undermined, unseen. I resent the way the world is: ruled by finance, met consequently with a dithering respect for others. Our success, definitively based on hierarchy; means equality for all is presently unconceivable. Want respect? Go into your place of work and ask the cleaners for their names – it’s a two-way street, after all.
I should be grateful, right? I’m on a wage that’ll grant me a mortgage within two years; a stress free job means I can focus on writing. I’m comfortable; stable and yet, I have nothing figured out. Thoughts niggle at me to achieve more, be more; one goal met and it’s on to the next…
Am I striving for myself, or the benefit of others? Am I fixated on proving a point in the hope I’ll win accreditation? Ultimately, will such approval enhance the way I feel about myself?
I’m exhausted by this way of thinking.
I’m hearing so much about death and illness that all I can think about is death and illness. Scared I may die before achieving anything, I fear departing from my loved ones. I try to consider an existence without my mother and I swear, it is the loneliest thought conceivable. In my head, I’ve attended nearly all of their funerals. I’ve said my goodbyes and witnessed caskets being lowered into the ground. Suddenly I’m awake, crying on the train; the man opposite me stares awkwardly at my pain – he’s reluctant to offer me a Kleenex.
I. Am. Struggling.
Is something wrong with me? I built castles around a guy to whom I was invisible. If I had known he wasn’t interested I would have spared myself the embarrassment. I’ve spent years being closed, withholding emotions until finally: I deemed someone worthy. Recognizing myself in him I became interested: his earnestness, seriousness; authenticity. Unfortunately, I was met by a rude awakening. I recognized myself because I knew him not at all.
His rejection made me feel transparent. I felt looked down on and undesirable. Stupid for having even tried…
In a world where transparency is scarce, I was hopefully optimistic. They said that unless we connected physically, all other forms of “connection” were irrelevant; amplified.
I wonder – if we had taken it there – would what could’ve been materialized? Would my feelings be then justified?
You do realize no-one’s got it completely figured out, right? Plus, how many people set themselves homework and meet their own deadlines? The first piece of work you ever shared was then published yet you’re full of self-doubt – why? Nobody is forcing you to do this – you do it for yourself. You make time for what you love and that’s admirable, thrive.
Be patient with yourself, you’re not on borrowed time. In the space of two years your writing has climbed; you’re not doing it for nothing. And when you tell people you want to be a writer, they ask “what have you written?” And you provide: An ongoing blog, two (nearly three) publications, countless poetry and work you prefer to hide. You’re on the right track, keep it up, with pride.
As for worrying what people think of you, have you met a person who isn’t self-conscious? Thank god for self-doubt because it keeps you grounded. If you walked around saying and believing how great you were you’d be fathered by Kanye West. Believe in yourself without being arrogant – there’s a line between the two.
The most important piece of advice I can give is this: fuck everyone. If they doubt you, they don’t know you (you won’t remember them when you’re at the finish line anyway). When you peak success, (which you will, ’cause you’re determined), be graceful. Remember everyone who uplifted you along the way, treat every human being with kindness. Acknowledge others, irrespective of their job title. If you want to make your parents proud, that’s all you need to do. You’re not cut from a cloth intended to strangle people.
I promise you are fine.
You worry so much about death and illness because you love being alive. You enjoy life so much that the thought of letting go scares you shitless. Don’t berate yourself for that. You have so much love around you; a loving family, supportive friends – you’re grateful and you should be. You’d be a sociopath if you were fine saying goodbye, regardless, unless something happens, what’s the use in worrying? We’ve all got a shelf life, that’s why it’s so important to cherish who and what you have.
Rather than preparing yourself for the worst, visualize the best; find comfort in it. Do whatever you need to keep yourself fit and healthy; everything which can’t be controlled needn’t be thought of.
You’ll deal with whatever life throws at you, you know this.
Oh dear, you sensitive, sensitive girl.
Don’t hold on to feelings of resentment or bitterness just because he wanted something different. It’s rare for a person to culminate sincere feelings stemmed from a place of innocence – you did – which was sweet, albeit naive. Our society is desensitized – they hook up and move on – they’re not going to understand your depths. Next time be more private, don’t share anything with anyone – their interference won’t be beneficial.
What’s with the embarrassment? You wanted to bring another person happiness, you needn’t be embarrassed for that.
The way he handled the situation was insensitive – he could have been gentler, kinder. Still, he’s human – far from the immortal you’d built up in your head. Plus, no point welcoming someone who didn’t ask to be invited. You don’t want to host a disinterested visitor, do you?
Look at it this way, you’ve lost nothing. He didn’t manipulate you into bed or promise you the world. Sure, you harbored feelings which weren’t reciprocated but then, what kind of writer would you be if not romanticized?
As far as not feeling good enough – stop there. You have everything to offer and more. You judged someone based on your own standards and they couldn’t reach them – next!
I promise you this: I won’t let you settle for anyone or anything other than the best. A person worthy of your time won’t waste it. So let go and before you know it you’ll find your hands full.
Your Self ❤ x