Too Cool for a Condom, Too Smart for a Smear Test

I’d been procrastinating when it comes to this next subject, but I felt a sense of responsibility in spreading awareness. Warning: this next pose focuses on sexual themes and transmitted infections, yay!

A few months ago I received some bad (but not the worst) news and felt frustrated nothing was available to console me. I found all online information cold and clinical, whilst forums described uncomfortable procedures without any kind of reassurance.

My most recent relationship was complicated. Whilst I would have preferred to use condoms, my ex-boyfriend detested the idea as they gave him “no feeling”. I found this a somewhat typical male response when asked to use condoms. Male friends compared them to wearing latex gloves, saying they’d rather not have sex if compromising pleasure. To compensate, girlfriends of mine have given the whole “he takes it out before he ejaculates” thing, two of which ended up pregnant and the others with dirty sheets. Nice. But this is not a blame and shame post, condoms are renowned for being a moment-killer, swapping spontaneity with sensibility. 


In my last relationship I did what I thought would be most sensible; I went for an STI test and my boyfriend did the same. When all was fine, I went on the contraceptive pill Microgynon and we were good to go! I have to emphasise that I really, really didn’t want to go on the pill, I wanted to please my partner. Sigh.

Whilst I understand most men prefer to go bare-back, we need to be more careful with how we protect our bodies. Around 80% of my friends have said their boyfriends “won’t use condoms” or that they “say they will but then just slip it in”. Seriously guys, ya’ll okay with being rapists now?! If you care about your woman, or better still, women in general, stop being so goddam selfish and learn a thing or two about boundaries. At least that way, both parties need not worry about pregnancy or infection.

The amount of times I’ve caught urinary-tract infections due to sex is staggering. I have tearfully sat in warm baths, not sure what’s happening to my body, enduring agony. I’ve visited A&E multiple times and had nurses accuse me of not rinsing out the sample bottle as bacteria-ridden skin has sat floating in the liquid.  It isn’t pretty, it isn’t fun and I can only compare the experience to pissing razorblades.  As a result, I live with interstitial cystitis which no amount of scans, fluids and antibiotics will clear.

In May 2015 I went for my first official smear-test and didn’t think much of it. It was only when I spoke to my nurse a couple of weeks later that I found myself on the brink of a heart-attack. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE HIV??!!” I cried, in a canteen full of co-workers. Luckily, I’d misheard and had actually contracted an STI called HPV (Human Papilloma Virus).  I had NO SYMPTOMS whatsoever. I had no idea where the virus was from or that it even existed. It was never picked up in previous STI tests due to living on my cervix and guess what:



It’s all well and good when guys say “I’m clean, I’ve been tested”. The truth is, unless they always use condoms, they could never really know. To top it off, there is no official cure. Our immune systems fight off the infection naturally however, having been single and celibate for 6 months prior to the smear, it seemed my body was failing me. It’s also worth mentioning that Big Brother’s Jade Goody died from cervical cancer: HPV being the trigger for this. 

The NHS couldn’t provide me with a colposcopy for six weeks which meant  six weeks of sleepless nights. In the end I went private: £1500 for a piece of my cervix to be removed. 

Turns out, HPV is extremely common. My peers kept it secret due to embarrassment and shame. If we aren’t forcefully being made aware of this virus, if we don’t attend our smears, or use appropriate contraceptives: we could be passing around an STI which doesn’t even provide testing. Think about it.


We can avoid the risk of disease by using condoms and going for smears. Your sexual partner should support you on this: your health is more important than his wet penis. If you want your man to use a condom, make him use a condom. Don’t feel pressured, be safe. 

I felt so low finding out I had HPV, not to mention let down by those I’d trusted with my body, including myself. Luckily, results showed my HPV to be the weakest type and my cells weren’t abnormal after-all.

A year later, after being told the virus could take 8 years to clear, I no longer had HPV. Why? Because I did my research. I blasted my body with immune-boosting smoothies and foods,  attended my bi-yearly smears and most importantly, used a condom! 

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